This week took a turn I never expected.
It started out fairly ordinary. I was trying to settle back into routine, figure out what to do with SideQuestDeals now that it is live, keep up with job applications, and get through the usual ups and downs that have become normal lately. There were some quiet evenings, too much doomscrolling, some gaming on my Thor, and the usual effort to keep my mood from drifting too far in the wrong direction.
There were also a couple of bright spots.
Earlier in the week I went to see Jeff Dunham with my friend Annie in Colorado Springs. The show was fantastic, and it was really nice to get out of the house, laugh, and spend time with a friend. In a week that otherwise became very heavy, that ended up being one of the best parts of it.
I also had a really good conversation with my ex, which was honestly a surprise in the best possible way. We seem to have reached a place where we can talk like friends again, and with everything that happened later in the week, her support ended up meaning more to me than I expected.
Then everything changed.
My mother was sent from the nursing home to the hospital after they noticed an altered mental state. At first, it sounded like one of those situations she had gone through before, where there was some kind of infection and the doctors would treat it and eventually she would recover enough to go back to the nursing home.
When I got to the hospital, it was clear she was very out of it. She recognized me at times, but she was mostly unresponsive and confused. Over the next day or two, the doctors explained that she had a serious case of sepsis along with pneumonia, a urinary tract infection, diabetic ketoacidosis, and kidney problems. It was a lot all at once, but they also kept saying that some of her numbers were improving, so it felt like maybe she would pull through like she had before.
Instead, I got the call that she had passed away.
Even writing that still feels strange.
I had just seen her at the hospital earlier that same day, and because she had come back from bad situations so many times before, it felt almost impossible at first that this time was different. For a while it didn’t even seem real. It felt more like a bad dream than something that had actually happened.
My relationship with my mother was complicated, to put it mildly. She could be abusive, manipulative, and extremely difficult to deal with. Visiting her in the nursing home was never something I did because it was enjoyable. I did it because I felt like it was my responsibility, especially since hardly anyone else ever went to see her besides my grandparents.
Because of that, what I’m feeling now is complicated too.
There is sadness. There is some relief. There is disbelief. There is also this strange realization that a routine I had built my weekends around is suddenly gone. No more nursing home visits on Saturday and Sunday mornings. No more bringing her groceries. No more feeling obligated to show up because nobody else would.
Even something that felt like an obligation can leave a hole when it disappears.
One thing that has surprised me this week is how many people have reached out. Family members I haven’t talked to in years, old friends, people I never would have expected to hear from, all checking in. It has been strange, but appreciated. Grief has a way of making people show up from unexpected places.
At the moment, I still feel like I’m somewhere between numb and sad. I think it is only beginning to really sink in. There are still practical things to deal with in the days ahead, but right now I’m mostly just taking things one step at a time.
Some weeks are about momentum and progress.
Some weeks remind you that life can change in an instant.
This one definitely did.
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